I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
