just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
