so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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