so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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