Who wears a wallet chain?!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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