I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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