How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
