I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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