he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
