So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
