his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
That was an excessively violent trivia night
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
