Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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