I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
