I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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