i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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