Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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