I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
