From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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