Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
