my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
