Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
