The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
