You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
