Hey man sorry I got all grabby
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
