I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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