i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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