totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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