There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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