Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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