So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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