I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
