Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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