your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
