the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
