the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
