you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
