I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
