Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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