That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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