hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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