I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
