I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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