i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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