just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
