There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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