im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
