saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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