My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.