Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
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so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.