god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A Guy Sent A Woman What May Be The Craziest Breakup Text Ever
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?