You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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