If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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