You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game