How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
