If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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