We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
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she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
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The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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