my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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