just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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